i'm leaving the title for the end and uuhhhh eehhh

i'm waiting for quetiapina to do its thing. i spent most of the afternoon dissociated and then cried. after that i coped reading a lot of how do we relationship

i was thinking that it is really not getting better uh. i see year after year passing and it doesn't. i have no evidence to think that i will get better next year either. if anything it is getting worse. less people around me less people i trust. i really want a ng+ or the closest i can realistically have. i don't think i will get to feel the level of intimacy if felt 5-6 years ago. it is just statistics: the % of years that level of connection was present in my life compared to the amount of years lived. i cried imagining telling them that i was never gonna experience something like that again. i never really did. i'd like them to know, but if i'm being honest i just want them to pity me and feel guilty.

i wonder why my friend didn't invite me to their dinner thing. i didn't want to party, but i'd have loved to escape where i am now. i tried asking chatgpt bc i really couldn't think of anything outside "they don't want to be with me/their other friends don't like me so they don't want me to be there". i forgot what it said. i'm getting drowsy already but i'm not tired- i fucking hate that effect from quetiapina

[31dic2025~1jan2026]

artificial means human-made

i feel i have neglected doing proper archiving of the media i consume and i feel kinda bad about it. when i was in highschool i read a lot, and somehow realized the importance of archiving what certain books made me feel and think, so i had little like bookmarks made of scraps of paper with my thoughts and feelings on certain parts and phrases. i stopped doing that and eventually stopped reading so frequently too. also i don't think i ever got back to read those notes and if i did i probably felt very embarrased?? but re-reading them was not the point i think, probably it was mostly to appreciate what you felt in a specific moment or give value to your own thoughts or facilitate you remembering certain ideas

well besides that my media archiving has been so poor over the years. for anime and such i feel bad that i didn't start using a myanimelist account up until last year but it feels good tracking down what you like, what eras you tend to focus more, and sometimes give some light thoughts on stuff for you to remember

for music and such streaming is so scary bc they can take everything from you at any moment, just go to your yt playlists and see how many videos are not available now (this tool can be useful but not always gets you there-- i almost lost one of my fav songs from last year, fortunately i remembered enough references to get back to it -it's mahou shoujo magical-tan just in case it happens again lol-. also the whole wrapped thing just sucks-- like i don't pay for streaming services for principles, so i have been using just yt and soundcloud for the time being and their wrapped didn't make any sense. granted i don't have a music specific account for yt so my most watched stuff was like masterchef (vegan guilty pleasure ik), and i sometimes use soundcloud to listen to my own music so it picked a bunch of my tracks so yeah thank you guys very useful

all this goes to say that i wanted to make a record of what i really liked listening this year just from memory, like an artificially-made wrapped-- quoting holly herdorn's "artificial means human-made" banger which goes so hard that i also wanted to remember it here

kairui - 旱 (i cried so much with this one), 君のことが大大大大大好きな100人の彼女 openings (this harem bullshit -probably bc haven't watched it- doesn't have any right to have such fire), 3776 - The Birth and Death of the Universe Through Mount Fuji (i regret not buying this one while in jpn). here's a couple i did listen to a lot too but i'm too lazy to link here: jamie paige - machine love, koko - kokoboku music party, nanahira/camellia - versus, np4 - welcome to the cosmos

[25dic2025]

ng+

also why is it that almost the only people who were willing to spend time with me in the last couple of years are the ones i meet in other countries or are living abroad. like with one of the friends i made in japan, the few times we met was so weird because i was thinking all the time: oh so this is what doing something you enjoy with someone else felt like, this is what having people wanting to spend time with you felt like. it makes me actually angry towards the literal place i was born in that i can only experience those feelings so seldomly

i wanna get out of this country so bad i feel im stucked and that i already fucked this run. somehow starting a life somewhere else feels the closest to a ng+. the bonding between migrant also serves as a plus i think. btw there was this anime about a 20-smt guy who felt his life was shit and somehow got a chance to return to his teenager self and re-live high school with his knowledge as an adult. was what its name? i just watched a couple of episodes and got bored so it probably wasn't very good. there is also a watamote chapter called ng+

[2dic2025]

you sure have grown up

i think a lot about falling into the nostalgia trap. it's something that i'm very selfaware when i make art too, as it relates closely with media and my attachment and reflections on it

i was watching digimon last evolution kizuna, i read the synopsis and caught my attention. i think the movie is mid to be honest. i always get very bored with battles in anime in general, and it takes a huge portion of the runtime in this case. it certainly is very idiomatic of the digimon franchise, which was always very battle-oriented, but that was 20 years ago, and audience have grown up-- tho i know there are still adults who engage with that kind of shounen thing and that's ok too. but for me, it felt like the movie suffered from its own thematic core: growing up and moving on

but even though i can articulate my thoughts on this, i still felt like i could cry on a couple of occassions while watching it. that's why i'm so scared of the nostalgia trap, it is that powerful, especially when you feel you current situation is lifeless, boring, aimless. because, even though i don't it is not executed that greatly here, the fact that movie faces the reality of an audience that moves on (or has to) it still is very powerful. there are a couple of occasions when it is mentioned with very incredible selfawareness i have to say, in how the digi-destined (lame ass english name btw) grow, but their digimon partners stay the same:



because this is exactly what happens with media: it stays the same while it watches you get older. this is something i have thought a lot about too-- do you ever grow out of anime

honestly i'm still wrapping my head around these ideas, they have become very prevalent especially this year. in any case, i do think their staying-the-same-ness serves a purpouse, as a way to measure our growth, like that thing when kids measure they getting taller by making marks on a wall and comparing them-- actually i have never seen this in real life?

anyway let's call it wrap. go talk with someone irl

[30oct2025]

yea so

i literally just wanted to feel loved and accepted how tf did i end up at the intersection between art and technology

[3oct2025]

connecting beyond notifications

i have been working on a new art project which is enterily web-based, so i have been studying some more html, css and js (this last one is a stretch tbh, i don't really get it and i rely on copying ideas from tutorials and using deepseek). it's been a bit exhausting BUT so much fun, i really wished i had the time to play around with this more. i was thinking that one of the reasons that maybe the younger generations are perceived as the one to bring to the table the fresh new ideas it's simply that when you have less responsabilities you also have more time. maybe it's as simple as that.
i have also started to move my art website (which was on wix lol) to visual studio code to hopefully have it soon on neocities too. and i have been wondering, is it possible for these diy approaches to the internet really a viable alternative? i remember being a teen going to someone's blog or site to get updated on their life. now i don't really do that myself, would we really be able to reject convenience and connect with each other beyond notifications? maybe the only way to connect more with others is to connect with less people?

[3sept2025]

please god don't make learn fuckin python

you know having someone materially support you to create art is great but it kinda fucked me up. i have grown so tired and so accostumed to no one giving af about what i do that i just thought well this art thing might just be a whim of mine so whatever i should just get a full time job in whatever and there is no loss. but when people support you kinda feel like oooo wait maybe there is value on me doing my shit and maybe i should kinda push it and keep working on it bc if people are willing to go so far to economically support you for you to keep doing it?? so now i'm thinking fuck maybe i should keep some time for myself to do art and try and create community and connection through even if it's slow and painful and will keep me in a miserable economic position for the rest of my life (bc i would be using that my time for that instead of idk getting a stupid IT certification and get a soulless job copying python scripts from chatgpt to help an insurance company grow their revenue until i have fed enough data to an ai model to replace me).

[15july2025]

fuck one piece normies fuck the de-subculturization of anime

i was in akihabara a couple of days ago, just before this released, and it helped me made sense of what i experienced there. don't feel like writing about it, but wanted to leave this here for future reference akiba was never supposed to be a fixed state. subcultural practices are, in essence, experimental practices !!!!



[10june2025]

tanabata wishes

things i noticed on my rewatch of the bamboo leaf raphsody episode from haruhi:



[24may2025]

"denpa as a radicalization of moe"

one big reason why i prefer living alone (and why i'm suffering atm because i'm not) is that i don't like people hearing when i listen to music. especially when i need to blast my fucking denpa



[20may2025]

ookina yume- yume suki deshou (2)



i don't think i ever got much into haruhi bc i never related with the characters all that much, especially haruhi, probably bc (at least in appearance) she's very opposite to me-- the previous video made me realize that and wanting to rewatch it. but i don't think it's nice to see yourself as someone who neglects their own dreams


rewatching this and realizing that this verse left a mark in me from my last rewatch

because you do like big dreams don't you? (i vibe more with this translation)

(lol i'm literally here, might as well do a haruhi trip)

[12may2025]

ookina yume- yume suki deshou

i'm posting this here to bc i need to be reminded of this constantly (1:15:34):



[10may2025]

uji

one thing i got reminded of after visiting toyosato and now uji is how much more representation there is of suburbia in anime. on the other hand, i have a hard time thinking of anime set in tokyo or in some other major city. anime makes places feel bigger apparently. they aren't felt bigger because of being represented bigger: they are experienced bigger'ly through their characters idk this is kind of dumb but just think of some sleepy ass town in your home country and of the people there finding contempt in whatever life has thrown them into. experiences like seeing 2 teenagers chatting while climbing mount daikichi in their school uniforms at 5pm for whatever reason make me feel sad and kinda lost; primarly bc i'm getting older and i long for those stages when doors felt more open than now; also kinda scared, but that's bc highschoolers have always scared me
i have always been afraid of living on smaller towns, mainly bc of the fomo the supossed oportunities of metropolitan life. atm i feel i have nothing going in santiago so idk what was i missing out. everything you need is in the suburbs of your own life



also unrelated but: receiving material support for your creative work, like actual concrete, material support that says "what you do is valuable, your work is important and i'm going to spend money so you can actually do it" has been kinda a dissociative experience bc i think i rarely experience being supported in what i do

[7may2025]

m3 >>>>>>> pulsar

m3 is a bi-annual market of independent media art, but mostly music. independent artists, some small labels, a lot of doujin circles (groups that self-release music). i don't know why we don't have a m3 in chile. in a way we do, in feria pulsar, but we don't really accept it. it tries to paint itself in a way that doens't acknowledge the precarity of chilean music industry. on the other hand, m3 completely embraces japan's diy music output. when we are on a point where so much more music is being made and recorded than ever in history, a self-organized market of self-releases could be the most important part of a music scene

this is not a [something-in-japan=good] situation btw



the sooner your independent label realizes it is just a doujin circle, the better

(edit: i later realized that i fw m3 in particular bc it condenses a lot of (sometimes very niche) music i personally find very appealing. idk if i'd feel the same in a diy market in chile)


[29april2025]

ohanami

not really into writing reviews, on myanimelist i have probably the only two i have published about anything, one for the gunslinger girl manga and other for the ohanami special from digi charat. not even the main show, just the special, and ONLY bc of the second episode. honestly just go read the review if you want my thoughts (i think it's like the only one it has) but what i wanted to say is that i watched it before coming here and dude every time i went to hanami'ing i remembered the fuckin insert song at the end and started hummimg and crying while watching the sakura trees it was actually kinda sad going to see them
i particularly like the part when they sing something like

  • now i realize
  • you were always looking after me




    • [26april2025 from a bus to tokyo]

    yume no naka e

    i actually had never watched the esquemas juveniles mv until now so i have to ask why every shot in the intro felt like they were stabbing my heart




    also it (unsurprisingly) reminds of this:


    [30march2025]

    so i have been watching digi charat

    and one thing that i really liked was how it kinda embraced the whole 2000 paranoia


    (it's more evident on the OPs but one could argue that making this kinda light-hearted comedy through traditional animation on the tip of the 2000s was a statement in itself)

    ~~~~~~~

    last week found a site where you can calculate how many days there are in between two dates, and you can go really wild with it and choose whatever century you want



    ~~~~~~~

    also last week, found out that 2003 and 2025 share the same calendar dates so you can actually use a 2003 calendar this year. found out because someone in reddit is using a 2003 YKK calendar and i'm so fucking envious dude



    ~~~~~~~

    before starting this i used the wayback machine to visit my old blog and see if there were any posts available. the last remainings are from 2008 i think. the only snapshots available were from when i put it on hiatus

    idk but making a blog feels very 2000s [28may'25]


    WELCOME!

    song so good that i peed myself


    dogshit

    html sucks


    ok apparently i have a blog now

    guestbook



    i make music too